Revised 6/5/2024
By R. John Quisenberry
Far away, in a secluded suburb of San Francisco, an early visitor rang the doorbell of Diana Nanette Alberts.
“Can I help you sir?” she said while pushing a strand of crimson hair back behind one ear as she stood in the doorway of the little, powder blue, house.
“I think you can. My name is Alan Theopolis. Is it true that you are a lawyer specializing in corporate law?”
“I am a lawyer, but I am not taking clients just now. My grandmother is sick, and I am taking time to be with her while I can…” Irritation showed in the slight narrowing of her striking green eyes.
“I understand, but I need to talk to you privately. I have a proposal to help you better care for your grandmother. It will only take a few minutes.”
She stepped back uncertainly from the pristine white door. “If this is some sort of sales pitch or scam, you will be finding out how good a lawyer I am very soon,” she said to the stranger as she led him into the living room while looking meaningfully at the large rifle mounted above the mantle of the fireplace. The mantle was graced by delicate ceramic and glass figurines. Her green silk blouse rippled and billowed slightly as she sat and daintily crossed her white silk-clad legs on an overstuffed armchair as she directed her guest to the overstuffed sectional couch. “Sit and tell me about this ‘proposal’. You have five minutes to make your case.”
Alan did not fail to see the look at the rifle, nor the markings on the rifle that said it was a 50 caliber. “It’s quite simple, I have a client who will need a great deal of legal advice and help in about three days. He is going to, at that time, have need of an exceptionally good lawyer. I am prepared to offer you a substantial retainer and a contract for services for the next two years. You will be allowed to work from home as needed and allowed to subcontract anything that cannot be done in that way. There may be other benefits to the relationship as well.
“My employer may also have some way of helping your grandmother’s condition…” he said as he looked at the neatly stowed spare oxygen tanks by the entryway.
“Please,” she replied with a smirk, “describe ‘substantial’…”
I think this chapter could use more detail. Like I’ve been to SF and there’s a lot more you can add in terms of detail to the setting. The house could use more description as well. You name things like the living room but giving some sense of decor would give us more characterization. I found myself flopping from a sleazy motel to an office. Visual details will help ground the reader more in the setting.
I will have to revisit that chapter as part of the rewrite… Good catch. I will have to build a picture of an expensive grandma house.
Still think the SF scenery could use more breathing room but definitely a lot more immersive